The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 28th August

This is apparently my 111th All Ears illustration for The Guardian Please wash your hands after reading / looking
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/28/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
Despite subconscious attempts to repel them, two men, both talking on telephones, sat across from me on the train. When they had hung up, one of them said he had to go to the toilet, as though the excitement of telling people over the phone that he was on a train was more than he could bear. When he came back though, his face was ashen.

Man 1 "Alright?"

Man 2 "It's dreadful in there."

Man 1 "They're never as bad as they used to be."

Man 2 "They are. The only difference is that these days, disabled people get to see how bad they are as well."

Man 1 "Maybe it was disabled people who messed it up?"

Man 2 "Either way …"

Man 1 "I best not go then. I'm getting really uptight about hygiene

these days. If it's that bad, it could push me over the edge."

Man 2 "The edge of what?"

Man 1 "Reason. The other day I took extra paper towels from a dispenser, and wrapped them around my hand before I opened the door."

Man 2 "It's all this MRSA gel, it makes you paranoid."

Man 1 "I'm more worried about becoming obsessively hygienic than I am about getting sick. I did that paper towel without knowing I'd done it. It was only after I'd come out of the bathroom that I realised what I'd done. I thought, 'This is how it starts, you're becoming like Howard Hughes.'"

Man 2 "Without the money."

Man 1 "He used to horde his piss in jars."

Man 2 (after some consideration) "What did his wife say."

Man 1 "I don't think he had one."

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 21st August

I'd just like to point out that I'm extremely fond of giraffes & other aminals & I do not condone the shooting of them - this is only a picture IT'S NOT REAL!*
(*subtitled for the hard of thinking)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/21/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
As is often acknowledged in this column, cab drivers are the commandos of casual conversation; the rest of us are just parachuting in when the groundwork's been done. I had the good fortune last week to be sat near one in a cafe as he shared stories of his fares' safari antics with his friends.

Man 1 "I been busy bringing the Americans in and out, been a few years now. I know some of them quite well."

Man 2 "What are they like?"

Man 1 "All right, well there's one I thought was all right. He was telling me how he likes to shoot things … animals. He goes over to Africa and has a go at anything that moves."

Man 2 "That still happens?"

Man 1 "Very much so. I'm not one to judge, but then he says he's getting hammered for freight costs, cos he flies all these things back over there and has 'em stuffed!"

Man 2 "Yeah?"

Man 1 "Oh yeah. I said, 'How does your wife feel about that?' And this is what really got to me, he says: 'She loves it. Her life's ambition is to shoot a giraffe.'"

Man 2 "A giraffe?"

Man 1 (solemn) "A giraffe."

Man 2 "I don't get it. At what point in someone's life would they wake up in the morning and say, 'I know what I need to do before I die. I know what's been missing. I got to shoot me a giraffe!'"

Man 3 "What's the psychology behind that? Is she really small?"

Man 2 "That could be it."

Man 3 "Or is it that their heads are small, and a long way away?"

Man 1 "A fucking giraffe, though?"

Man 2 "Unbelievable."

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 14th August

This week's illustration gives you a priviledged window into my own grooming methods(ish)
(I'm sure there was also a a 'gentleman's pornographic pamphlet' entitled 'Shaven Havens' but I might have just made that up - no prizes for guessing the content!)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/14/michael-holden-all-ears-shaving#
(article by Michael Holden)
I don't know whether the regulars in the library have started using aftershave or are just drinking it. Either way, in warm weather this new-found aroma can make it tough to share a table with them. With a prevailing wind though, anything's possible, and the other day I heard this confession of idle folly.

Man 1 (staring at an magazine advert) "I shaved off all my body hair."

Man 2 (not especially surprised) "When was this?"

Man 1 "Few years back. Seemed like a good move."

Man 2 "Was it?"

Man 1 "Not really. It was something to do though. Watching it grow back. It kept me out of trouble."

Man 2 "I hear that."

Man 1 "They just give you the one razor, and they toss it away after. I just thought, go for it, you know. Seize the moment."

Man 2 "Did anyone complain?"

Man 1 "No, they just sort of looked at me. Of all the things you can do with a razor … well, they see worse, I reckon."

Man 2 "Did you cut yourself at all?"

Man 1 "No, I stayed with the grain. You know, the way the hair's growing. It was tough around the knees. I remember that."

Man 2 "How did it feel?"

Man 1 "For a while it felt good. Really clean, like brand new. Then it was like a big rash, and then, you know, a ton of stubble. All itchy and messed up. My skin's an issue at the best of times."

Man 2 "Would you do it again?"

Man 1 "No. Not unless someone asked me too. And there'd have to be a reason."

Man 2 "A lesson learned, then."

Man 1 "Absolutely. Very much so"

Guardian All Ears 7th August

This week's illustration is brought to you by the 'Carry On Book Of Hospital Waiting Room Clichés'...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/07/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
On first inspection, the local surgery appears to have a good selection of magazines. It's only when you try to read them that you discover half the people in the waiting room were born after they came out. Having perhaps learned the same lesson, a man near to me refused an offer of a Woman's Weekly from his wife, recoiling so visibly that you wondered if such a pathological reaction was why they had come.

Woman "What's up?"

Man "I just … I can't look at 'em any more."

Woman (wearily) "Oh yeah, I forgot."

Man "They're full of … well, it's just shit, isn't it?"

He nodded toward the one she was reading.

Man "'Halle Berry's custody battle.' I mean, who cares, really? What good is that to you or me?"

Woman "I like her."

Man "That's not the point ..."

Woman (quickly) "Don't read it then."

Man "I don't. That's the thing. You turn your back on all that and pretty soon you don't know who's who. I quite like it. The bliss of ignorance. I looked at one the other day and I didn't recognise anyone. I felt sort of free. In the end there was a picture of Ruby Wax – I recognised her. I was quite pleased to see her. And I used to hate Ruby Wax."

Woman (not looking at him) "Yeah?"

Man (after a pause) "What's up with Halle Berry's kids then?"

Woman "Shut up and I may find out."

Man "I don't feel so well."

Woman (with extreme prejudice) "Don't you bloody start!"

He looked at me for consolation. I couldn't meet his gaze.

Guardian All Ears 31st July

I was thinking of drawing a complex baroque portrait of Brian Ferry in a bath chair but then thought 'f*** it, I'll draw some pants instead'!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/31/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
Buying some drinks to take outside, I noticed that the pub had filled with men who were exceptionally big. Not in the gym-fit sense, but in the genetically vast sense, and all wearing sensible shoes. So who were they? Cops? Rugby players? Some unholy hybrid of both? The only thing I learned for sure was that they knew a bit about Roxy Music.

Man 1 (clearly the leader) "They weren't that good on Jonathan Ross."

Man 2 (whose function seemed to be to orchestrate the collective response to anything said by Man 1) "No, they weren't."

Man 1 "I went to that 80s thing, that festival. He was there, what was he called? Howard Jones! He was all right. Carol Decker, never had much time for her. Kim Wilde …"

Man 2 (eyes wide)"How was she?"

Man 1 "Well, you still would."

Man 2 "Not half."

(Rest of group "Wahey!")

Man 1 "Then it's Rick Astley. I tell you what, though, he's got the chat. People loved him. Blokes were throwing their pants on stage!"

Man 2 "Mental!"

Man 1 "I saw Ferry do a solo gig at Wembley 20 years ago. You wanna hear the other stuff, but he's just doing his solo stuff. But they weren't all that on Jonathan Ross."

Man 3 (rhetorical) "Well Eno's not there is he?"

Man 1 "Tell you what, I tried to get tickets for Manilow, for the wife and mother-in-law. 249 quid!"

Man 2 "Fuck off!"

Man 1 "Yeah, but what can you do?"

Man 2 (reconciling himself to Manilow's price prerogative) "Yeah."

Guardian All Ears 24th July

Deficit or no deficit...you gotta buy a Smugaboo©
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/24/michael-holdens-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
If you thought all the people who know exactly how the world works and yet seem miraculously uninvolved in actually solving any of its problems were confined to the Internet, think again. Off for a haircut, I wound up in a chair next to one of them, and spent the entire trim noting the abundance of sharp objects in the vicinity and the lack of legal ways in which one might persuade him into silence with them.

Man "There's no deficit. The whole thing's a bloody myth, a sham."

Barber "You think?"

Man "It's obvious. You wait. It's just a way for the government to renege on its responsibilities. There's plenty of money there, I can assure you."

Barber "I dunno …"

Man "I mean, what are they gonna do. Just tell all these single mothers that they have to go and find a job?"

Barber "Yeah. Why not?"

Man "Really?"

Barber "Yeah. That's real life."

Man "You're a hard man!"

Barber (who's Thai) "Tough times all over. You want to come here from Thailand now, you need £20,000."

Man "Really?"

Barber "That's a million baht."

Man "That's a pity, cos you guys are great. I mean, you're the kind of people that should be encouraged."

Barber "Why would I wanna come over here and spend a million baht on your single mother?"

Man "Well, that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't have to, because the money's there …"

Barber "Teach your single mother to cut hair."

He had no immediate answer for that. No doubt his trenchant online persona would formulate an answer in due course.

Guardian All Ears 19th July

I drew this before the World Cup final & (unlike Paul) I wasn't chancing my arm(s?) on a prediction - (& no paella recipes y'hear?)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/17/michael-holden-all-ears

(article by Michael Holden)
Even in pubs where football is not shown, the miasma of related popular opinion still wafts under the door.

Drinker 1 "Seen the octopus on the TV?"

Drinker 2 (sarcastic) "You mean Paul?"

Drinker 1 "Eh?"

Drinker 2 "The fucking World Cup octopus, it's called Paul."

Drinker 1 "You've seen it, then?"

Drinker 2 (annoyed) "'Course I've seen it."

Drinker 1 "What do you reckon to it?"

Drinker 2 (joking again) "I reckon it knows exactly what's it doing; it knows exactly what's going on. It's fucking laughing at us."

Drinker 1 (as if regarding something sublime) "It picks the winners …"

Drinker 2 "After careful consideration?"

Drinker 1 (attentive to his companion's disdain) "It's just a bit of fun, you know?"

Drinker 2 "You think you're any different, the decisions you make? 'Oh, I'll have another pint of lager.' You think you've got the edge on Paul?"

Drinker 1 "How do you mean?"

Drinker 2 "I mean we're no better. Stick a thing in a jar and give it an option; everybody thinks it's hilarious. And if they're laughing then they can forget they're in a jar of their own."

Drinker 1 (missing the point and trying to keep things amiable) "It has its own tank."

Drinker 2 (hostile) "How's your tank?"

Drinker 1 "Eh?"

Drinker 2 (catching himself) "Forget it, I got carried away."

Drinker 1 "It's just a bit of fun, you know?"

Drinker 2 (unamused) "Yeah, I can see that now."

Guardian All Ears 3rd July

One for all you animal lovers this week...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/03/michael-holden-all-ears-cats

(Article by Michael Holden)
A woman who works in a pub near me is sometimes visited by a man with whom she has had, or is having, some sort of relationship. The pattern is the same: she gives him a drink, he asks for another, she refuses, they argue and she gives in or he leaves – usually the latter. Towards the end of the first drink, a conversation sometimes breaks out, of which what follows is a fairly typical example.

Woman "She was looking after her cat, and it killed itself."

Man "Eh?"

Woman "It done itself in."

Man "Cats don't do that!"

Woman "This one did."

Man (abruptly) "How?"

Woman "Threw itself off the balcony."

Man (laughing) "That's the one thing they're good at, innit? Surviving a fall? Nine lives and all that. If you were gonna top yourself, you'd do something different. Swim out to sea or something."

Woman (defiant) "That's what happened."

Man "Bollocks. She's made that up."

Woman "It ain't. There was another cat round the corner. Same thing."

Man (giggling) "Well, what's their angle, you think? Depressed, or just like a cry for help?"

Woman (walking away) "I don't wanna talk to you about it."

Man "Well you should talk about it. I mean, if it's happening, you should call someone. There might be some money in it. You'd have Sky News in here. I think you owe it to the cats, to get to the bottom of it, so to speak."

Woman (entering the cellar) "Fuck off."

Man (calling after her) "Can I have another drink?"

But there was no answer. Perhaps she too could take no more.

Guardian All Ears 19th June

Having been brought up in a town with a block of flats shaped like an ocean liner I thought maritime themed buildings were commonplace elsewhere too - life is full of little disappointments.
(I realise that for true small town authenticity the club should really be spelled 'Castawayz' with the emphasis on the 'z'!)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jun/19/michael-holden-all-ears-castaways#
(Article by Michael Holden)
To capitalise on the latest outbreak of summer, I bought an ice cream on a hot day and sat down to eat it by a fountain. It was a popular spot, and above the running water drifted the equally familiar but somewhat less soothing sound of Americans nearby.

Man 1 "They do the whole boat party thing out there, you know? It was Frat City, frat-tastic!"

Man 2 (audibly depressed) "That gets pretty old. That's why I'm happy not to live there."

Man 1 (determined) "There's this place called … what the hell is it called?"

Woman "It's a bar?

Man 1 "It's a bar, it's basically a building that's constructed to look like a boat. It looks like a boat. A big, huge, boat building …"

Woman "Castaways?"

Man 1 (overjoyed) "Castaways! That's what it's called! You walk through and it's, like, everybody's drinking margaritas. They always have a live band there and it is just … you have to see it. Everybody there is sunburnt, half naked. It's like everybody's on a cruise, but they're in the city. It is so funny. It is literally one of my favourite places."

There was a pause, as though he was expecting to have formed a consensus, and that a plan to go there some time must surely follow. But instead there was silence.

Man 2 (after a long sigh) "Right."

Man 1 (completely undeterred) "Everybody there is drinking margaritas and super ice-cold cans of beer … they drink all day!"

I washed my hands in the fountain and moved on before he could explain things any further.

Guardian All Ears 22nd May

This is from a couple of weeks back - in the meanwhile I've been looking at donkeys, lions, elephants & assorted monkeys amongst other things in Kenya & am now attempting to slot myself back into 'work' mode
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a place where I sometimes eat breakfast they like to have the radio on, with a talk radio station blasting out loud. One morning, though, the wireless was silent and the other patrons took up the mantle of white-hot contemporary debate themselves.

Man 1 "What did you make of that Derren Brown thing?"

Man 2 "The psychic one?"

Man 1 "Yeah."

Man 2 "Look, if a bunch of people in Liverpool want to think that their dead relatives are looking out for them, then what's the problem with that?"

Man 1 "I reckon psychics and that are like the BNP. Half of them actually believe it, and the others are just looking for something to do."

Man 2 "I knew a lass who reckoned she could do all that. She'd say, 'When Spirit comes to me', not 'the spirits', or 'the spirit world'. It was always just 'Spirit'. 'Spirit told me this were gonna happen …'"

Man 1 "Like it were a pony?"

Man 2 "Aye."

Man 1 "I suppose it's the money-making I don't like."

Man 2 "Really? Then psychics are the least of your worries. It's all about the money, mate. Look at capitalism. You're being encouraged to participate in an imaginary future by systems that profit from you taking part. You tell me the difference."

Man 1 "Is that why you're out of work, you're like a conscientious objector?"

Man 2 "Partly that, and the criminal record."

Man 1 "You're upfront about that?"

Man 2 "No point not being. They might be psychic."

Guardian All Ears 15th May

To my knowledge I have never encountered a chocolatier - maybe this is what's missing in my life? (see article)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/may/15/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
It struck me the other day that, without drinking, this column
couldn’t exist. Consider the man I saw shouting at an upmarket
confectioners - he had a valid point I felt - but not one that he
would have expressed via public yelling if the shop in question hadn’t
been opposite the pub where he was drinking.
Man 1 (furious, pointing at the shop window) “What the fuck is a ‘Choclatier’?”
Man 2 (less drunk) “They make chocolate.”
Man 1 “Yeah yeah, but when did they did they hit the high street?
Since when did we decide we needed one?”
Man 2 “It’s like anything …”
Man 1 (having none of it) “It’s not like anything! It’s what it is.
Modern shit! You don’t need it, you didn’t ask for it but there it is,
being sold to you, and here we are, fucking buying it!”
Man 2 (growing smug) “You can’t make a political point about chocolate.”
Man 1 (his conviction rising above his inebriation)“If you can’t see
the politics in this-then you’re in a lot of trouble. Politics now is
like a fucking restaurant, a roadside restaurant! Owned, run and
staffed by wankers, who take great fucking pleasure in telling you
that everything on the menu that you might have wanted is off.”
Man 2 (choosing to ignore the bigger issue but tempted by the analogy)
“I am actually quite hungry. Shall we get something to eat?”
Man 1 (losing steam) “Ok.”
Man 2 “What do you fancy.”
Man 1 (made infantile through despondency, capable of tears)
“Don’t care.”
And, with that, he was led away

Guardian All Ears 8th May

Next week my own exploration of the effects of Special Brew & Miaow Miaow on the digestive tract...(maybe)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/may/08/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
It was late afternoon on a busy train when I managed to filter out the general hubbub and zero in on what two men backed into the corner of the carriage were discussing. Digestive disorders, as luck would have it.

Man 1 (surprisingly upbeat) "It's coffee more than tea that gets me."

Man 2 (surprisingly interested) "Do you drink herbal teas?"

Man 1 "Not really, just decaf."

Man 2 (with pity) "Not the fruit teas?"

Man 1 (without regret) "No."

Man 2 (closing his eyes and flagrantly recalling the memory of his last infusion) "Something warm with a sweet taste – it's marvellous."

Man 1 "I like a bit of a chilli, now and again."

Man 2 (steering things back towards himself) "I have this chilli chutney, it comes in a glass jar about yea high"

He made a gesture indicating about a 10 inches in height. People using "yea" as a term of comparative stature have always seemed a bit odd to me, and the look on Man 1's face suggested he felt the same. Who cares about your jar? I imagined we were both thinking.

Man 2 "I'll get you some."

Man 1 "I've got quite a lot of chutney as it is."

Man 2 "This is a bit special."

Man 1 "I can eat chilli but I know about it the next day. Cramps."

Man 2 "Could be the intestine."

Man 1 "Could be the ecstasy. I do quite a bit of it."

Man 2 Seemed shocked and fell silent, which just made me wonder how they knew each other, where they were going, and what they would do when they got there.

Guardian All Ears 1st May

(Article by Michael Holden)
Perhaps it's an an economic thing, but these days I'm seeing a lot of people freaking out in shops. The latest was in a supermarket where a man was being pushed to the edge by the store's layout.

Man (waving list in anger) "I don't get it!"

Woman (sensing danger) "Don't get upset. I'll ask someone."

She gazed about for assistance, but he spotted someone first.

Man (shouting) "Eh, you! Where's your cheese."

Assistant (shuffling over) "Eh?"

Man (still agitated) "Where are you keeping the cheese?"

Woman (over-polite, overcompensating) "We would like some cheese."

Assistant (pointing to the faraway end of the aisle) "Cheese is down there."

Man (pointing up at a sign) "Well how come it doesn't say so?"

He had a point: the sign said "Butters, Spreads, Fresh Fruit Juice, Yoghurts" – no mention of cheese. The assistant shrugged and turned away, which proved too much for the man, who pulled him back by the shoulder.

Man "Why can't you be more upfront about your cheese? Why you trying to bluff us?"

Assistant (recoiling) "You want me to get a team leader?"

Woman "No, that's OK. I'm sorry. It's not your fault."

There was a moment of silent reconciliation between the three, but as the assistant went to walk away, the man looked back at his list and called after him.

Man "Hey, where are the eggs?"

I know from bitter experience that the eggs fall under "Home Baking", so I fled before things flared up again.

Guardian All Ears 24th April

Had decided to do some serious research into expensive pram / buggy one-upmanship (see Stoke Newington or similar where Bugaboo jousting is almost an olympic sport) but went for the feeble pun instead...Pramalot anybody? (I know, I know,)

(Original article here - http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/apr/24/michael-holden-all-ears)

(Article by Michael Holden)

Eating lunch at an outside table I was distracted by the intensity of
a woman’s voice nearby. I turned to see she was sat just along from
me, and had recognised an acquaintance of hers who was pushing a pram.

Woman 1 (as though the child were on fire) “Your baby!”

Woman 2 (proud, but nonetheless alarmed at the intensity of her
friend’s exclamation) “This is Sammy.”

Woman 1 (no less shrill) “Your baby has the cutest hair!”

I looked, and saw that the child in question boasted a sprawling mop
of curly hair.

Woman 2 (pulling at it to demonstrate its full scope) “Yes he does.”

Woman 1 (shaking her head in wonder as if present at the scene of a
miracle-as oppose to just some hair) “People must stop you all the
time.”

Woman 2 (uncertain) “Kind of…”

Woman 1 (noticing a Sesame St toy affixed to the pram) “You have Elmo!
We have Elmo too…”

Woman 2 “Sammy loves Elmo.”

The second woman’s husband appeared, he was on the phone. He hadn’t
much hair of his own. The women fussed over the child, he looked up
and down the street and then hung up reluctantly as though he knew
what was coming.

Woman 2 “This is my husband John-John, this is Susan.”

Woman 1 (without hesitation) “Your son has the most fantastic hair!”

Man (smiling weakly) “We have to get going.”

Woman 1 “I was just saying, your son’s hair…people must stop you all the time…”

Man “Yeah, well. We should really get going.”

Woman 1 “I wish I had my camera.”

Woman 2 (manoeuvring the pram away) “It was good to see you again.”

As they left the other woman’s face fell, as if having seen the hair
messiah, the remainder of existence seemed both bald and long.

Guardian All Ears 17th April

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/apr/17/michael-holden-all-ears#
(Article by Michael Holden)
In an American airport bar, I didn't notice what the woman sitting next to me had ordered, but I started to pay attention when she tried to negotiate over how long it should be cooked for.

Woman "Could I get that rare?"

Waitress "How do you mean?"

Woman "I'd like it cooked rare."

Waitress "I don't think we're allowed to do that. I think they all have to come the same way. It's good, though."

Woman (unmoved) "I don't want it medium rare or anything."

Waitress "I think it just comes how it comes. I never heard anyone complain about it. I'll check. Shall I check?"

Woman "Please check."

She left and came back triumphant, full of possibilities, channelling the remnants of the Obama vibe.

Waitress "Yes! Yes, we can do that."

Less than three minutes later the waitress brought the woman a plate of fish that looked anaemic. You could tell by sight that it would be a mistake to eat it.

Waitress "OK?"

Woman (pushing it away) "Can you cook this more?"

Waitress (taking it) "Absolutely."

She was gone for another few minutes and when she came back the fish looked edible. The woman, though, just looked at it sideways and prodded her Blackberry. Evidently she wasn't big on second chances.

Waitress (checking back, but happy to ignore the evidence on the plate) "How is everything?"

Woman (just as willing to maintain the delusion) "Everything's great."

Waitress (reaching for the untouched plate) "Are we done here?"

Woman (more right than she knew) "Yes we are".

Guardian All Ears 10th April

...due to various 'articles getting lost' & bank holiday shenanigans this was drawn in record time...anyone got Norris McWhirter's* number?
(*this reference severely dates me - Wikipedia him if you must)

(Article by Michael Holden)
At a football match the team I follow scored a fourth goal and I
noticed the young man to my left seemed unusually affected by this. He
crumpled, as though he had been shot and the two older men with him
pointed at him and began chanting.

Men “Pay your rent, pay your rent, pay your rent…”

Man1 “I can’t stand it, I can’t cope with this…”

Man 2 “What odds did you get?”

Man 1 “150 to one”

Man 2 “And you put a tenner down?”

Man 1 “Yeah.”

Evidently he had made a correct score bet, which would net him £1500
quid if nothing else happened for the next 15 minutes. From the faces
he was pulling you might have thought he was giving birth. And fair
enough, it did add a new excitement to a game that had, in spite of
its score, been a pretty hum drum affair. I looked at the clock and
spoke to him.

Me “That’s 100 quid a minute.”

Man 1 “Fuck off, your making it worse.”

Me “Sorry.”

Man 2 (Leaning across to me) “He hasn’t paid his rent in two months,
so it’s going on that.”

Man 1 “I’ll spend it how I like.”

Man 2 “You ain’t even got it!”

Man 1 (wriggling about, refusing to look at the game) “I can’t cope,
I’m gonna have a breakdown.”

Man 2 “Don’t think about it.”

Man 1 (watching through his fingers as the opposition closed in on
goal) “You bastards, you fuck this up and I will fucking come down
there…”

They scored. I couldn’t look at him, but he made a kind of wild
whimpering sound.

Man 1 “1500 quid!”

Man 2 (sagely) “Money you never had.”

Guardian All Ears 3rd April

I always used to love walking round Fresh & Wild dodging the 'status baby buggies' & surreptitiously planting boxes of mechanically retrieved chicken shapes on the shelves
(thanks to everyone for their suggestions for faddy overpriced super foods this week too - I love you all x)
See the original article here...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/apr/03/michael-holden-all-ears-organic#
(Article by Michael Holden)
I tend to steer clear of the organic grocer. Not for reasons of taste or judgment, but of finance. Sometimes, though, it's the only place open that has what I need. So I wound up in the holistic and meditative mood space that passes for a queue, watching a woman pass parcels of unfeasible origin and expense to a cashier whose demeanour hovered between complete spiritual enlightenment and imminent rectal prolapse.

Cashier (holding up one of her boxes) "This stuff is amazing."

Woman "I'm kind of having a detox."

Cashier (nodding sagely) "Well, that should do the trick."

Woman "I'm not into fasting, you know?"

Cashier (noticing the woman's hand – which was tattooed with various forms of writing) "That's such a beautiful script."

Woman (thrilled) "You know it?"

Cashier "Uh-huh. I mean, I'm very impressed by all that culture – the whole mindset. I read as much as I can. I hope to go over there and study."

Woman (pointing out more writing on her arm) "Each moment decays as soon as it's born."

Cashier "That's one of the core beliefs, for me."

Woman "I love it – it's just so true."

All the more reason to get a move on, you might think. But this went on for some time, until I was charged £7 for five onions, a small bag of wheat and some pine nuts (never let it be said that I don't know how to have a good time). When I got home and began cooking, the onions turned out to be in a state of decay that paralleled our own, which cheered me up no end. I would have gone back and complained, but the moment was already collapsing.

Guardian All Ears 27th March

What sort of man has a name like 'Bear' for god's sake? Read on for clarity...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/mar/27/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
I like it when I know what people are talking about and was thus elated and frustrated in equal measure when the conversation at the next table in the pub moved from familiar to puzzling terrain.

Woman “Bear Grylls is a dick.”
Man 1 “Bruce Parry’s the one.”

Woman “Bear Grylls kills spiders. Spiders that he’s already upset.”

Man 1 “He’s no Ray Mears, that’s for sure.”

Man 2 “He pissed in his turban.”
Man 1 “Who?”
Man 2 “Bear Grylls.”
Man 1 (as confused as I was by this revelation) “Pissed in who’s turban?”
Man 2 “He pissed in his own turban.”

Man 1 (as though that made sense) “Oh, okay.”

I went outside to consider where, if anywhere, the truth might lie in this allegation, only to find two men smoking in the midst of an equally odd dialogue.
Smoker 1 “Your days as a narcissist are numbered.”

Smoker 2 “There’s a puritan backlash”

Smoker 2 “Definitely. And it’s only going to get worse.”

Back inside the backlash had already begun.

Woman “I don’t see how he can get away with it-pissing in a turban.”
Man 1 (hoping he would be saying this for the last time) “IT WAS HIS OWN TURBAN!”
Woman (after a considered delay) “That doesn’t make it alright.”

Guardian All Ears 13th March

If only tube elocution was was more like this...
...although there's a brilliant announcement at Bank station where THE emphasis is HILARIOUSLY wrong - a bit like those commercials for furniture stores sales where the shop owner has foolishly decided to do it himself rather than pay a proper actor.
Anyone of a certain age from the south east ITV region (always brilliantly shonky & amateurish whether it was TVS, Meridian or whatever) might remember the late night adverts for Folkestone Sunday market where a still photograph with some letraset was over laid with the classic slogan 'bring large bags...& little money, to Folkestone Sunday Market'- they don't make 'em like that any...you get the idea!
Ahem! Article follows...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/mar/13/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)

On a stationary plane the pilot made an announcement explaining that the aircraft must be de-iced prior to take off-hence our delay. He spoke clearly and with authority, this, combined with the implicit reminder that supersonic travel in freezing weather isn't something to be taken for granted quelled the collective sense of displeasure that had been spreading through the cabin. The couple next to me seemed impressed and reassured.

Woman: "They must go to college."

Man: "Who?"

Woman: "The Pilots."

Man: "Eh?"

Woman: "They must get training. In how to talk to people like that. So clearly."

Man: "I used to do that. Make announcements."

Woman: "When?"

Man: "I did work experience on the Victoria line."

Woman: "And they let you make the announcements?"

Man: "I think maybe they did it just to keep us busy."

Woman: "What sort of things did you have to say?"

Man: "Ladies and gentlemen, due to a person under a train at Caledonian Roadthere is no southbound service on the Picadilly line."

Woman: "And you used that voice?"

Man: "No, I used a nicer one. A sort of posh woman's voice."

Woman: (frowning, incredulous) "Let's hear it then…"

Man: (He gave her a look and then used a measured but nonetheless ridiculous tone, like a professional sportsman reduced to playing a pantomime dame, but determined to make a go of it) "Due to a person under a train there is no…"

Woman "Eugh, that's enough."

Man: "It sounds better over the PA.It comes out clearer."

Woman: "I'm glad you never got the job."

Man: "I never wanted it."

She scowled and turned back to her thick book of puzzles, as though they might prove more soluble somehow than the real world, and the man with whom she was about to go on holiday. .

Guardian - All Ears 6th March

Flying V's, neo Weller haircuts & a little peak at the Gallagher rhyming dictionary

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/mar/06/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
I walked into a pub the other day, where two grown men were arguing at the bar about which one of them might – in theory – have been the better musician, and loitered on the edge of their spat, feeling calm by comparison, as their antagonism flowed.

Man 1 (exasperated) "You've never even heard us play."

Man 2 (malign, mischievous) "But I know you're shite."

Man 1 "How would you know?"

Man 2 "I just know. I can see you in your room now, writing all fucking lyrics and whatnot."

Man1 "What do you know about my lyrics?"

Man 2 "I know they'll be shite."

Man 1 "You talk about it like you know, but what do you do? Sit in your room and play guitar to no one. You've never even been in a band."

Man 2 "Tell us some of your lyrics."

Man1 "Who's your favourite guitarist?"

Man 2 "Whose yours?"

Man 1 "Jeff Beck. You're not gonna tell me Jeff Beck can't play guitar?"

Man 2 (doing sarcastic air guitar motions) "Jeff Beck, man? Did you never see him with that Celtic clasp round his arm? He's lost the plot."

Man 1 "You can't say he can't play because of some … jewellery!"

Man 2 "Tell us some of your lyrics."

Man 1 "I might write a song about you, you twat."

Man 2 "It'd be the best thing you've ever done."

Man 1 "Behave yourself now. People are looking."

Man 2 "Fuck 'em. Tell us some lyrics."

Man 1 "No."