The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 25th September

as they say...It's all done with computers these days, I just press a button then f*** off for a massage & a cocktail usually...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/sep/25/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
It was All Ears' good fortune to be in New York last week, feeding bread into a rotary toaster at a breakfast buffet, when two young lions of the leisure industry – all shirts and laptops – joined the queue behind me.

Man 1 (clearly in awe of his subject) "We have quarterly meetings, and he's nothing but questions."

Man 2 (of the same opinion) "That's why these guys are who they are. He was an account manager at Morgan Stanley. They see things we don't see."

Man 1 "He's way down in the weeds. We were meeting and he starts asking how the chambermaids know when the room is checked out."

Man 2 "Shit!"

Man 1 "That's what I'm talking about. He doesn't have to worry about that."

Man 2 "But he does!"

Man 1 "Exactly. These guys are spinning stuff around and we don't even feel the motion."

Man 2 (rightly puzzled) What do you mean?"

Man 1 "They're way out there."

Man 2 (like that helped) "Right."

Man 1 "You can't learn that shit. It's instinctive."

Man 2 "The success instinct."

Man 1 "Damn right."

Man 2 "So what did you say?"

Man 2 "About the chambermaids."

Man 1 "Oh right. Well how the fuck would I know? I said I'd get back to him."

Man 2 "So how do they know?"

Man 1 "I don't know. I haven't asked yet."

Man 2 "Don't they just knock on the door, or phone the desk?"

Man 1 "No. I'm guessing there's computers involved."

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 18th September

This week's article kind of made my skin crawl...I hope yours does too kids!

(Article by Michael Holden)
Being a compulsive listener, I try and keep my staring to a minimum as a kind of trade-off, but there are some things you can't take your eyes off, and some of them are talking too. In this case, it was a couple in a cafe: a man in his 50s with cigarette-yellow skin talking to a much younger woman whose pallor seemed mainly makeup.

Man (with sinister smile) "Say, 'Pretty please.'"

Woman (hesitant, and with a heavy accent) "Pretty please."

Man (squeezing her thigh) "Very good! You best hurry up or I'll be lonely."

Woman (halting again) "I try."

Man "I'll be quick. I do everything quickly. I used to run quickly. But now I need a new knee."

Woman "I have an English lesson."

Man "I do a special lesson. Very intensive, one to one. Over in the pub. We drink, we kiss. I teach you something, we have another glass of wine.

Woman (not visibly displeased by this proposal) "Perhaps."

Man "How far away from Prague do you live, is there a motorway?"

She shrugged.

Man (miming driving) "A fast road?"

She still didn't understand.

Woman "I must see Peter."

Man "Peter?"

Woman "Peter is problem?"

Man "No. I said I don't mind. Go now and come back quickly, or I shall be very sad. You understand?"

He mimed wiping tears away by way of illustration.

Woman (smiling) "Don't be sad."

She got up, left, and when I looked away I realised – the only one unhappy with the situation was probably me.

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 11th September

I always feel cheated if I take a numbered ticket & don't end up with a cheese based product in the end...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/sep/11/michael-holden-all-ears
(article by Michael Holden)
Strange places, hospital pharmacies. They appear to be capable of spending so long assembling the medication that high-street chemists move like professional martial artists by comparison. And yet the fact that you are here, collecting your own drugs, rather than lying in bed upstairs receiving them intravenously, breeds a gratitude that helps to nullify delays. I took a ticket and sat down, as an older couple on my right began to examine theirs.

Woman "I can't see what it is."

Man "Eh?"

Woman "What it says."

Man "What?"

Woman "The ticket."

Man "What about it?"

Woman "Is it 89 or 68?"

Man "Eh?"

Woman (turning the ticket around in front of him to illustrate her dilemma) "89 or 68, see? Which is it?"

It was 89. I knew this because my number was 93. I was poised to intervene when the man, having grasped the situation, sprang into action and approached the pharmacy window.

Woman (sensing trouble) "Sit down."

Man (undeterred) "What's this, then?"

Pharmacist "Sorry?"

Man (pinning the ticket to the security glass) "89 or 68?"

Pharmacist "It's 89, 68 has gone."

The man came back.

Man "It's 89."

Woman (snatching it back) "I heard her."

She seemed furious at his intervention. He sank down by her side as the pharmacist called their number.

Woman (handing him back the ticket) "About time."

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 4th September

Reverse Santa...see what I did there? Not my cleverest one I'm afraid! (faintly odd drawing Santa outfit in August while preparing for Carnival too)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/sep/04/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a coffee shop on Saturday, two men were catching up on what they'd been up to during the week. The question of their attendance at the party of a mutual friend came to dominate the agenda.

Man 1 "What was your excuse?"

Man 2 (smiling, untouchable) "I was in Germany."

Man 1 (envious) "Right."

Man 2 "You survived then?"

Man 1 "Well, I bailed out early. With a crowd like that you know what you're in for. It's terrifying, really. Blokes who've been at it for over 30 years, some of them with their sons now – who look just as mental …"

Man 2 "How was the food?"

Man 1 "Shit, as always. But they took the money off you at the door. I tried to get as much of it down as I could to get my money's worth. And then later on the drugs are kicking in and no one's interested. Piles of it just sitting there."

Man 2 "What did you get him?"

Man 1 "Burned a CD."

Man 2 "And what did he make of that?"

Man 1 "Couldn't tell – he did the old reverse Santa."

Man 2 "What's that?"

Man 1 "You bring someone a present, they don't look at it and just chuck it in a sack and fuck off at the end of the evening."

Man 2 "I hate that!"

Man 1 "Me too, but then, what can you do?"

Man 2 "And that's the reverse Santa?"

Man 1 "That's what I call it."

Man 2 "Do you mind if I start using that?"

Man 1 "No, feel free. Take it, say nothing and fuck off with it. It's what anyone else would do." •

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 28th August

This is apparently my 111th All Ears illustration for The Guardian Please wash your hands after reading / looking
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/28/michael-holden-all-ears

(Article by Michael Holden)
Despite subconscious attempts to repel them, two men, both talking on telephones, sat across from me on the train. When they had hung up, one of them said he had to go to the toilet, as though the excitement of telling people over the phone that he was on a train was more than he could bear. When he came back though, his face was ashen.

Man 1 "Alright?"

Man 2 "It's dreadful in there."

Man 1 "They're never as bad as they used to be."

Man 2 "They are. The only difference is that these days, disabled people get to see how bad they are as well."

Man 1 "Maybe it was disabled people who messed it up?"

Man 2 "Either way …"

Man 1 "I best not go then. I'm getting really uptight about hygiene

these days. If it's that bad, it could push me over the edge."

Man 2 "The edge of what?"

Man 1 "Reason. The other day I took extra paper towels from a dispenser, and wrapped them around my hand before I opened the door."

Man 2 "It's all this MRSA gel, it makes you paranoid."

Man 1 "I'm more worried about becoming obsessively hygienic than I am about getting sick. I did that paper towel without knowing I'd done it. It was only after I'd come out of the bathroom that I realised what I'd done. I thought, 'This is how it starts, you're becoming like Howard Hughes.'"

Man 2 "Without the money."

Man 1 "He used to horde his piss in jars."

Man 2 (after some consideration) "What did his wife say."

Man 1 "I don't think he had one."

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 21st August

I'd just like to point out that I'm extremely fond of giraffes & other aminals & I do not condone the shooting of them - this is only a picture IT'S NOT REAL!*
(*subtitled for the hard of thinking)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/21/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
As is often acknowledged in this column, cab drivers are the commandos of casual conversation; the rest of us are just parachuting in when the groundwork's been done. I had the good fortune last week to be sat near one in a cafe as he shared stories of his fares' safari antics with his friends.

Man 1 "I been busy bringing the Americans in and out, been a few years now. I know some of them quite well."

Man 2 "What are they like?"

Man 1 "All right, well there's one I thought was all right. He was telling me how he likes to shoot things … animals. He goes over to Africa and has a go at anything that moves."

Man 2 "That still happens?"

Man 1 "Very much so. I'm not one to judge, but then he says he's getting hammered for freight costs, cos he flies all these things back over there and has 'em stuffed!"

Man 2 "Yeah?"

Man 1 "Oh yeah. I said, 'How does your wife feel about that?' And this is what really got to me, he says: 'She loves it. Her life's ambition is to shoot a giraffe.'"

Man 2 "A giraffe?"

Man 1 (solemn) "A giraffe."

Man 2 "I don't get it. At what point in someone's life would they wake up in the morning and say, 'I know what I need to do before I die. I know what's been missing. I got to shoot me a giraffe!'"

Man 3 "What's the psychology behind that? Is she really small?"

Man 2 "That could be it."

Man 3 "Or is it that their heads are small, and a long way away?"

Man 1 "A fucking giraffe, though?"

Man 2 "Unbelievable."

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 14th August

This week's illustration gives you a priviledged window into my own grooming methods(ish)
(I'm sure there was also a a 'gentleman's pornographic pamphlet' entitled 'Shaven Havens' but I might have just made that up - no prizes for guessing the content!)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/14/michael-holden-all-ears-shaving#
(article by Michael Holden)
I don't know whether the regulars in the library have started using aftershave or are just drinking it. Either way, in warm weather this new-found aroma can make it tough to share a table with them. With a prevailing wind though, anything's possible, and the other day I heard this confession of idle folly.

Man 1 (staring at an magazine advert) "I shaved off all my body hair."

Man 2 (not especially surprised) "When was this?"

Man 1 "Few years back. Seemed like a good move."

Man 2 "Was it?"

Man 1 "Not really. It was something to do though. Watching it grow back. It kept me out of trouble."

Man 2 "I hear that."

Man 1 "They just give you the one razor, and they toss it away after. I just thought, go for it, you know. Seize the moment."

Man 2 "Did anyone complain?"

Man 1 "No, they just sort of looked at me. Of all the things you can do with a razor … well, they see worse, I reckon."

Man 2 "Did you cut yourself at all?"

Man 1 "No, I stayed with the grain. You know, the way the hair's growing. It was tough around the knees. I remember that."

Man 2 "How did it feel?"

Man 1 "For a while it felt good. Really clean, like brand new. Then it was like a big rash, and then, you know, a ton of stubble. All itchy and messed up. My skin's an issue at the best of times."

Man 2 "Would you do it again?"

Man 1 "No. Not unless someone asked me too. And there'd have to be a reason."

Man 2 "A lesson learned, then."

Man 1 "Absolutely. Very much so"

Guardian All Ears 7th August

This week's illustration is brought to you by the 'Carry On Book Of Hospital Waiting Room Clichés'...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/aug/07/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
On first inspection, the local surgery appears to have a good selection of magazines. It's only when you try to read them that you discover half the people in the waiting room were born after they came out. Having perhaps learned the same lesson, a man near to me refused an offer of a Woman's Weekly from his wife, recoiling so visibly that you wondered if such a pathological reaction was why they had come.

Woman "What's up?"

Man "I just … I can't look at 'em any more."

Woman (wearily) "Oh yeah, I forgot."

Man "They're full of … well, it's just shit, isn't it?"

He nodded toward the one she was reading.

Man "'Halle Berry's custody battle.' I mean, who cares, really? What good is that to you or me?"

Woman "I like her."

Man "That's not the point ..."

Woman (quickly) "Don't read it then."

Man "I don't. That's the thing. You turn your back on all that and pretty soon you don't know who's who. I quite like it. The bliss of ignorance. I looked at one the other day and I didn't recognise anyone. I felt sort of free. In the end there was a picture of Ruby Wax – I recognised her. I was quite pleased to see her. And I used to hate Ruby Wax."

Woman (not looking at him) "Yeah?"

Man (after a pause) "What's up with Halle Berry's kids then?"

Woman "Shut up and I may find out."

Man "I don't feel so well."

Woman (with extreme prejudice) "Don't you bloody start!"

He looked at me for consolation. I couldn't meet his gaze.

(Alternative All Ears 31st July)

I tried a few different approaches this week (I did consider the decrepit Brian Ferry option honest) The Guardian sensibly went for the pants (see below http://stevemaystuff.blogspot.com/2010/07/guardian-all-ears-31st-july.html)...always go for the pants I say!

Guardian All Ears 31st July

I was thinking of drawing a complex baroque portrait of Brian Ferry in a bath chair but then thought 'f*** it, I'll draw some pants instead'!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/31/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
Buying some drinks to take outside, I noticed that the pub had filled with men who were exceptionally big. Not in the gym-fit sense, but in the genetically vast sense, and all wearing sensible shoes. So who were they? Cops? Rugby players? Some unholy hybrid of both? The only thing I learned for sure was that they knew a bit about Roxy Music.

Man 1 (clearly the leader) "They weren't that good on Jonathan Ross."

Man 2 (whose function seemed to be to orchestrate the collective response to anything said by Man 1) "No, they weren't."

Man 1 "I went to that 80s thing, that festival. He was there, what was he called? Howard Jones! He was all right. Carol Decker, never had much time for her. Kim Wilde …"

Man 2 (eyes wide)"How was she?"

Man 1 "Well, you still would."

Man 2 "Not half."

(Rest of group "Wahey!")

Man 1 "Then it's Rick Astley. I tell you what, though, he's got the chat. People loved him. Blokes were throwing their pants on stage!"

Man 2 "Mental!"

Man 1 "I saw Ferry do a solo gig at Wembley 20 years ago. You wanna hear the other stuff, but he's just doing his solo stuff. But they weren't all that on Jonathan Ross."

Man 3 (rhetorical) "Well Eno's not there is he?"

Man 1 "Tell you what, I tried to get tickets for Manilow, for the wife and mother-in-law. 249 quid!"

Man 2 "Fuck off!"

Man 1 "Yeah, but what can you do?"

Man 2 (reconciling himself to Manilow's price prerogative) "Yeah."

Octopus Zeitgeist

Whilst drawing Paul the psychic octopus for the Guardian the other week I wrote that we'd rather 'missed the octopus zeitgeist' by it being published a week after the World Cup final, then realised (under the Secret Garden influence) what a splendid name it would be...

Guardian All Ears 24th July

Deficit or no deficit...you gotta buy a Smugaboo©
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/24/michael-holdens-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
If you thought all the people who know exactly how the world works and yet seem miraculously uninvolved in actually solving any of its problems were confined to the Internet, think again. Off for a haircut, I wound up in a chair next to one of them, and spent the entire trim noting the abundance of sharp objects in the vicinity and the lack of legal ways in which one might persuade him into silence with them.

Man "There's no deficit. The whole thing's a bloody myth, a sham."

Barber "You think?"

Man "It's obvious. You wait. It's just a way for the government to renege on its responsibilities. There's plenty of money there, I can assure you."

Barber "I dunno …"

Man "I mean, what are they gonna do. Just tell all these single mothers that they have to go and find a job?"

Barber "Yeah. Why not?"

Man "Really?"

Barber "Yeah. That's real life."

Man "You're a hard man!"

Barber (who's Thai) "Tough times all over. You want to come here from Thailand now, you need £20,000."

Man "Really?"

Barber "That's a million baht."

Man "That's a pity, cos you guys are great. I mean, you're the kind of people that should be encouraged."

Barber "Why would I wanna come over here and spend a million baht on your single mother?"

Man "Well, that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't have to, because the money's there …"

Barber "Teach your single mother to cut hair."

He had no immediate answer for that. No doubt his trenchant online persona would formulate an answer in due course.

Guardian All Ears 19th July

I drew this before the World Cup final & (unlike Paul) I wasn't chancing my arm(s?) on a prediction - (& no paella recipes y'hear?)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/17/michael-holden-all-ears

(article by Michael Holden)
Even in pubs where football is not shown, the miasma of related popular opinion still wafts under the door.

Drinker 1 "Seen the octopus on the TV?"

Drinker 2 (sarcastic) "You mean Paul?"

Drinker 1 "Eh?"

Drinker 2 "The fucking World Cup octopus, it's called Paul."

Drinker 1 "You've seen it, then?"

Drinker 2 (annoyed) "'Course I've seen it."

Drinker 1 "What do you reckon to it?"

Drinker 2 (joking again) "I reckon it knows exactly what's it doing; it knows exactly what's going on. It's fucking laughing at us."

Drinker 1 (as if regarding something sublime) "It picks the winners …"

Drinker 2 "After careful consideration?"

Drinker 1 (attentive to his companion's disdain) "It's just a bit of fun, you know?"

Drinker 2 "You think you're any different, the decisions you make? 'Oh, I'll have another pint of lager.' You think you've got the edge on Paul?"

Drinker 1 "How do you mean?"

Drinker 2 "I mean we're no better. Stick a thing in a jar and give it an option; everybody thinks it's hilarious. And if they're laughing then they can forget they're in a jar of their own."

Drinker 1 (missing the point and trying to keep things amiable) "It has its own tank."

Drinker 2 (hostile) "How's your tank?"

Drinker 1 "Eh?"

Drinker 2 (catching himself) "Forget it, I got carried away."

Drinker 1 "It's just a bit of fun, you know?"

Drinker 2 (unamused) "Yeah, I can see that now."

Guardian All Ears 12th July

Chocolate-y!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/10/michael-holden-all-ears-chocolate#
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a coffee shop, a heavily tanned woman fielded questions about her holiday from a friend who appeared almost luminous in comparison.

Woman 1 "How was it then?"

Woman 2 "Absolutely fantastic, just what we needed. And the people were brilliant, couldn't do enough for you."

Woman 1 "What about the hotel?"

Woman 2 "Spotless. Couldn't fault it."

Woman 1 "Did you get all your treatments?"

Woman 2 (suddenly more animated) "Oh. My. God! Yes! Amazing! They take you down into the spa and you can choose. I had a stress reduction massage and Paul had a Thai head massage."

Woman 1 "Ooh, wonderful!"

Woman 2 "And then we both had a chocolate bath."

Woman 1 (pausing for an instant, quite rightly unaware of this vile-sounding innovation in indulgence, and then choosing to act as if she wasn't) "And what was that like then?"

Woman 2 "Amazing."

Woman 1 "Was it all … you know … chocolatey?"

Woman 2 "Oh, yes. Chocolate bubbles, the lot."

Woman 1 "Did it smell of …"

Woman 2 "… chocolate, yes."

Woman 1 (going out on a limb) "So did you have to have another bath afterwards?"

Woman 2 (deciding to let it slide) "No. We went for our dinner. It was like a buffet, you could help yourself. Go back as many times as you wanted."

Woman 1 (relieved to be back on familiar turf) "Ah, yeah, they're brilliant them."

Guardian All Ears 3rd July

One for all you animal lovers this week...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jul/03/michael-holden-all-ears-cats

(Article by Michael Holden)
A woman who works in a pub near me is sometimes visited by a man with whom she has had, or is having, some sort of relationship. The pattern is the same: she gives him a drink, he asks for another, she refuses, they argue and she gives in or he leaves – usually the latter. Towards the end of the first drink, a conversation sometimes breaks out, of which what follows is a fairly typical example.

Woman "She was looking after her cat, and it killed itself."

Man "Eh?"

Woman "It done itself in."

Man "Cats don't do that!"

Woman "This one did."

Man (abruptly) "How?"

Woman "Threw itself off the balcony."

Man (laughing) "That's the one thing they're good at, innit? Surviving a fall? Nine lives and all that. If you were gonna top yourself, you'd do something different. Swim out to sea or something."

Woman (defiant) "That's what happened."

Man "Bollocks. She's made that up."

Woman "It ain't. There was another cat round the corner. Same thing."

Man (giggling) "Well, what's their angle, you think? Depressed, or just like a cry for help?"

Woman (walking away) "I don't wanna talk to you about it."

Man "Well you should talk about it. I mean, if it's happening, you should call someone. There might be some money in it. You'd have Sky News in here. I think you owe it to the cats, to get to the bottom of it, so to speak."

Woman (entering the cellar) "Fuck off."

Man (calling after her) "Can I have another drink?"

But there was no answer. Perhaps she too could take no more.

Guardian All Ears 26th June

'Who do you think you are kidding'...etc.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jun/26/michael-holden-all-ears-flasks#
(Article by Michael Holden)
It might sound obvious, but the further you venture from the beaten track, the weirder things become. It was a point made clear to me recently at an air show – the first one I'd been to in over 30 years – where I saw a couple doing something else I thought had stopped in the 1970s – drinking from a flask.

Man (smiling as his wife poured coffee) "That smells nice."

Woman "It's continental."

Man (suddenly unhappy) "What does that mean? Is there a certain smell, like a continental smell?"

Woman (perhaps seeking through repetition – or some form of Jedi mind trick – to negate his enquiry) "It's continental."

Man (having none of it) "It's just one of these made-up words though, isn't it? 'Continental'. Coffee comes from South America too."

Woman (plaintive, hopeful) "I guess it smells like the continent?"

Man (oblivious) "Well, and Africa, South America and Africa."

Woman (hopeful) "You smell coffee more in Europe, on the continent. Here you just smell tea."

Man (considering it) "I don't even think you can smell tea. Can you smell tea?"

Woman "Of course you can. If you can taste something then you can smell it."

Man "Is that a fact?"

Woman (having had enough now) "Look, I don't know. If you don't like it, don't drink it. Pour it back in the flask."

Man "No, I like it. I just don't like the way they describe it."

Woman (shouting over the sound of a Spitfire) "Duly noted."

Man (screaming) "Thanks!"

Guardian All Ears 19th June

Having been brought up in a town with a block of flats shaped like an ocean liner I thought maritime themed buildings were commonplace elsewhere too - life is full of little disappointments.
(I realise that for true small town authenticity the club should really be spelled 'Castawayz' with the emphasis on the 'z'!)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/jun/19/michael-holden-all-ears-castaways#
(Article by Michael Holden)
To capitalise on the latest outbreak of summer, I bought an ice cream on a hot day and sat down to eat it by a fountain. It was a popular spot, and above the running water drifted the equally familiar but somewhat less soothing sound of Americans nearby.

Man 1 "They do the whole boat party thing out there, you know? It was Frat City, frat-tastic!"

Man 2 (audibly depressed) "That gets pretty old. That's why I'm happy not to live there."

Man 1 (determined) "There's this place called … what the hell is it called?"

Woman "It's a bar?

Man 1 "It's a bar, it's basically a building that's constructed to look like a boat. It looks like a boat. A big, huge, boat building …"

Woman "Castaways?"

Man 1 (overjoyed) "Castaways! That's what it's called! You walk through and it's, like, everybody's drinking margaritas. They always have a live band there and it is just … you have to see it. Everybody there is sunburnt, half naked. It's like everybody's on a cruise, but they're in the city. It is so funny. It is literally one of my favourite places."

There was a pause, as though he was expecting to have formed a consensus, and that a plan to go there some time must surely follow. But instead there was silence.

Man 2 (after a long sigh) "Right."

Man 1 (completely undeterred) "Everybody there is drinking margaritas and super ice-cold cans of beer … they drink all day!"

I washed my hands in the fountain and moved on before he could explain things any further.

Guardian All Ears 22nd May

This is from a couple of weeks back - in the meanwhile I've been looking at donkeys, lions, elephants & assorted monkeys amongst other things in Kenya & am now attempting to slot myself back into 'work' mode
(Article by Michael Holden)
In a place where I sometimes eat breakfast they like to have the radio on, with a talk radio station blasting out loud. One morning, though, the wireless was silent and the other patrons took up the mantle of white-hot contemporary debate themselves.

Man 1 "What did you make of that Derren Brown thing?"

Man 2 "The psychic one?"

Man 1 "Yeah."

Man 2 "Look, if a bunch of people in Liverpool want to think that their dead relatives are looking out for them, then what's the problem with that?"

Man 1 "I reckon psychics and that are like the BNP. Half of them actually believe it, and the others are just looking for something to do."

Man 2 "I knew a lass who reckoned she could do all that. She'd say, 'When Spirit comes to me', not 'the spirits', or 'the spirit world'. It was always just 'Spirit'. 'Spirit told me this were gonna happen …'"

Man 1 "Like it were a pony?"

Man 2 "Aye."

Man 1 "I suppose it's the money-making I don't like."

Man 2 "Really? Then psychics are the least of your worries. It's all about the money, mate. Look at capitalism. You're being encouraged to participate in an imaginary future by systems that profit from you taking part. You tell me the difference."

Man 1 "Is that why you're out of work, you're like a conscientious objector?"

Man 2 "Partly that, and the criminal record."

Man 1 "You're upfront about that?"

Man 2 "No point not being. They might be psychic."

Guardian All Ears 15th May

To my knowledge I have never encountered a chocolatier - maybe this is what's missing in my life? (see article)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/may/15/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
It struck me the other day that, without drinking, this column
couldn’t exist. Consider the man I saw shouting at an upmarket
confectioners - he had a valid point I felt - but not one that he
would have expressed via public yelling if the shop in question hadn’t
been opposite the pub where he was drinking.
Man 1 (furious, pointing at the shop window) “What the fuck is a ‘Choclatier’?”
Man 2 (less drunk) “They make chocolate.”
Man 1 “Yeah yeah, but when did they did they hit the high street?
Since when did we decide we needed one?”
Man 2 “It’s like anything …”
Man 1 (having none of it) “It’s not like anything! It’s what it is.
Modern shit! You don’t need it, you didn’t ask for it but there it is,
being sold to you, and here we are, fucking buying it!”
Man 2 (growing smug) “You can’t make a political point about chocolate.”
Man 1 (his conviction rising above his inebriation)“If you can’t see
the politics in this-then you’re in a lot of trouble. Politics now is
like a fucking restaurant, a roadside restaurant! Owned, run and
staffed by wankers, who take great fucking pleasure in telling you
that everything on the menu that you might have wanted is off.”
Man 2 (choosing to ignore the bigger issue but tempted by the analogy)
“I am actually quite hungry. Shall we get something to eat?”
Man 1 (losing steam) “Ok.”
Man 2 “What do you fancy.”
Man 1 (made infantile through despondency, capable of tears)
“Don’t care.”
And, with that, he was led away

Guardian All Ears 8th May

Next week my own exploration of the effects of Special Brew & Miaow Miaow on the digestive tract...(maybe)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2010/may/08/michael-holden-all-ears
(Article by Michael Holden)
It was late afternoon on a busy train when I managed to filter out the general hubbub and zero in on what two men backed into the corner of the carriage were discussing. Digestive disorders, as luck would have it.

Man 1 (surprisingly upbeat) "It's coffee more than tea that gets me."

Man 2 (surprisingly interested) "Do you drink herbal teas?"

Man 1 "Not really, just decaf."

Man 2 (with pity) "Not the fruit teas?"

Man 1 (without regret) "No."

Man 2 (closing his eyes and flagrantly recalling the memory of his last infusion) "Something warm with a sweet taste – it's marvellous."

Man 1 "I like a bit of a chilli, now and again."

Man 2 (steering things back towards himself) "I have this chilli chutney, it comes in a glass jar about yea high"

He made a gesture indicating about a 10 inches in height. People using "yea" as a term of comparative stature have always seemed a bit odd to me, and the look on Man 1's face suggested he felt the same. Who cares about your jar? I imagined we were both thinking.

Man 2 "I'll get you some."

Man 1 "I've got quite a lot of chutney as it is."

Man 2 "This is a bit special."

Man 1 "I can eat chilli but I know about it the next day. Cramps."

Man 2 "Could be the intestine."

Man 1 "Could be the ecstasy. I do quite a bit of it."

Man 2 Seemed shocked and fell silent, which just made me wonder how they knew each other, where they were going, and what they would do when they got there.