Inky beasties (slight return)

More monsters (& the odd tiger) - don't say you don't get your money's worth!

Pen & ink* monsters

*No it's not rhyming slang! Just finished a few of these little beasties for a client the other day, nice change to work with dip pen & wash for a job (although I did find myself looking for the Apple Z command on many occasions!)

Das Fluff promo 'Would You Die For Me?'

I've just directed & designed a short sting for my band Das Fluff's debut album release - you can watch it here

disguises, & other stories...

This was an illustration for Community Care magazine about social workers avoiding their clients in the street (but as anybody who knows me any excuse for a false moustache will do!)

CRIME!!!

CRIME! Robbers, skeleton keys, the works!

Debut Das Fluff single released TODAY!

Not animation or illustration linked but my wonderful band Das Fluff have just released our debut single Happy People / Hey You - you can buy it from here or here or even here

'Propelling beats, smooth riffs and vibrant atmospheres ... Das Fluff plays with fire.'

C.J. LAZARETTI - Erotic Review (read more)


'Ooh. Now this is dirrrrty ... a scintillating slice of dance floor genius ... Glorious.'

JAMES BALL - Stereoboard.com (read more)

robbing b*stards!

Just finished this for Inside Out magazine for an article about stealing from work commissioned by the delightful Amelia Clark.

Puts me in mind of the classic 'Take Stuff From Work' by the redoubtable King Missile which by the magic of the interweb can be found here! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIXz_vzROrw

Abominable...

Been conducting some field research on mythical beasties

He's been selected for exhibition at this years Pictoplasma festival too!

Zombie Arcade

From all good newsagents* (& a fair few sh*tty ones too!)

* this is a lie

Pants!

Michael Holden's All Ears 5th March (& my last one)

Sadly this my LAST EVER All Ears. (although in the print edition it's credited to 'name in here')

I only officially found this out earlier in the week which is rather disappointing in that unbeknownst to The Guardian, all through the run I've been secretly implanting symbols within each illustration with the plan that if you laid all of them out on a large flat surface they'd spell out a secret message that can only be read from space* (something about lizard people, the Holy Grail & Rupert Murdoch etc.)

So much for my masterplan...

Anyway thanks to Stephen & Sara at The Guardian for being a pleasure to work with over the last 3 years or so & have enjoyed Mr Holden's articles (despite never having met him!) at least I get my weekends free now

PS *this may be a lie

(& milk in coffee's for wimps & little girls, - FACT!)

Over & out, here's the article

(Article by Michael Holden)

Mid-morning at a busy sandwich and coffee concession in the middle of the city, and one young businessman collected his, presumably daily, sought-after beverage and returned with a look of what could only be described as woe.

Man 1 "I hate the way they shout it out."

Man 2 "What?"

Man 1 (quietly, as if in shame) "'Milky Americano'. It's the word milky, she says it, 'mill-key', really strings it out. She shouts it when I order, too."

Man 2 (right first time) "You think it's a sign of weakness, having extra milk in your coffee?"

Man 1 (embarrassed to be read so rightly) "No, I … "

Man 2 "Yeah, you do!"

Man 1 "I don't. I just take the trouble to say, 'With plenty of milk', and they turn that into milky, and shout it out, 'Mill-key!'"

Man 2 (half joking) "Well, it's a dynamic environment – they have their own way of getting things done."

Man 1 (playing along) "Yeah, but I'm a key part of that environment, I'm driving it."

Man 2 "You're just one person. And you'll be the only one that gives a fuck."

Man 1 "I reckon this could be bigger than you think."

Man 2 "You're not alone?"

Man 1 "You never know."

Man 2 "Get on Twitter, start a revolution."

Man 1 "It's blocked at work."

Man 2 "Do it when you get in."

Man 1 "It never bothers me at night."

Man 2 "What does?"

Man 1 (emphatic) "Other stuff."

Man 2 (retreating, quite probably wisely) "Right."

World Book Day

Micheal Lawrence who writes the popular Jiggy McCue series of books which I've had the pleasure of illustrating the covers has written a special Jiggy book especially for World Book Day called 'Evilution the Troof' which I drew a monkey on the cover

(Thanks to Thy Bui at Orchard Books for her lovely cover designs)

You can see more of the Jiggy covers here
& read more about evolution here

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 26th February

I've never used the 'recent bereavement' method for dealing with cold callers but I did once conjure up a story about a colony of light sensitive 'mole people' whilst persuading a replacement window salesperson that their product was insufficiently opaque for my needs...

Original article here

(Article by Michael Holden)
Amid the debate around minimum pricing for alcohol, I should point out that, in six years of writing this column, it's been my experience that people who have paid more to get drunk say duller things while they're getting there. The cut-price drinker might reach oblivion faster and generally live a shorter life but, on balance, they get the better lines. This discourse from my local bargain hostelry being a case in point.

Man 1 "I told a feller on the phone my wife was dead."

Man 2 "But she's not?"

Man 1 "Nah, but it was the call centre. Three days in a row they'd asked for her, so I told them she was dead – and you could see it took the wind out their sails."

Man 2 "Well it would …"

Man 1 "I really turned it on, sobbing and that. Got quite into it. I could hear the feller was upset too. He said they'd delete the number – never call back."

Man 2 "A result then?"

Man 1 "Not really. Once I heard how moved he was I started to feel bad. I'm not cut out for the lying, you know."

Man 2 "It's true."

Man 1 "If I were, life would have been easier. Instead, I felt like one of those murderers who does a press conference for the person they've killed, asking for help and that."

Man 2 "But they drive you to it, though – the calls."

Man 1 "Maybe. Either way, I was glad when she walked through the door."

Man 2 "In case she had died?"

Man 1 "Yeah, which would have been typical of her."

Inexorable Slow Death of a Takeaway

Every time I pass this particular place on Berwick Street I feel like I'm watching the rather tragic inexorable slow death of a takeaway, in the knowledge that the previous occupants of the premises (hotdogs, sushi, mexican etc.) have all lasted around 6 months.
First of all they had installed a man on the door offering 'free meat' to passers by & recently a rather forlorn handwritten sign appeared, trumpeting the fact that they use 'a frying pan & NOT a microwave' to make breakfast but it still seems to remain empty.
I'm in the firm belief that certain buildings & retail premises are cursed, with the various occupants doomed to failure. Am wishing them well...

Lopsided copper

There's a copper with one very large ear on the beat around Soho

Happy People by Das Fluff

Ok, it's not illustration or animation but I make exquisite guitar noise with Das Flüff & wave megaphones around in a dangerous manner & thought you might want to hear this too
http://www.dasfluff.com

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 19th February

After playing with several Gypsy/carpark/well-known-cartoon-character-with-explicit drug-reference combinations I figured this illustratory* route would leave me less on the road to future legal action.
On the other hand the consumption of the kind of beer you only get in gold & black cans on public transport slightly appeals to me but purely for the fact of pissing Boris Johnson off. Me? Childish? You bet!
(I'll shut up, you can read the article here)

(Article by Michael Holden)
Having failed to visibly outrage anyone by drinking lager on the tube, the four young men sat opposite me seemed anxious to raise the stakes by talking openly about cannabis. First, though, they had a more immediate problem – one born of their initial transgression.

Man 1 (distressed) "I need a piss."

Man 2 "This isn't our stop!"

Man 1 (leaving the carriage) "I can't hold on. I'll meet you there."

Man 2 "What's up with him? He's only had, like, one pint."

Man 3 (looking at his can of lager) "I swam through my brother's sick on holiday. I thought it was coral at first – it was all in my goggles and shit. This was on the Great Barrier Reef. It's a sick country, Australia."

Man 4 "Fuck Australia!"

Man 2 (holding a bit of paper) "Make the roach nice, that was one of the first things I learned about smoking."

Man 4 "What's that?"

Man 2 (rolling it up) "It's my bus ticket, keep the white bit on the outside, you have to twist it. That way you get feedback."

Man 3 "Back in the day I used to think I was the don. I used to get bare stoned and just watch The Simpsons. Nobody knew. I was 13."

There was no reaction to this, so he upped the ante.

Man 3 "That was before I got expelled."

Man 4 "Do you wanna get off and fight?"

Man 3 "I fight Gypsies in car parks – like on that show."

Man 4 "Downgrade your status!"

With that they were off, checking as they went to see if anyone had noticed them.

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 12th February

Meh! Crappy illustration - what can I say - definitely an off day...

(article by Michael Holden)
Late one Saturday afternoon in a pub deserted save for myself, two pool players and the bar staff, who were watching Catchphrase on the TV, a man walked in looking anxious.

Man "I don't want to put you out, but can you stick the football on?"

The staff simultaneously turned forlorn, as though this would constitute a disaster.

Man (not quite believing what was happening) "What, you're actually watching this?"

Barman (sadly) "What match was it you wanted?"

Man "Eh?"

Barman (holding out his iPhone) "What score did you want? I can get it on my phone."

Man "It's the FA Cup, I want to watch the scores come in, for all the games."

Barman "Oh."

Man (rightly miffed) "I'd like to sit down and pay you the best part of four quid for a pint, while you – who are paid to be here – turn over the television which you, or whoever runs this pub, pays thousands of pounds a year to show live football on. It doesn't seem to me to be a lot to ask."

Barman (sort of standing up) "Well …"

Man (snapping) "Fucking Catchphrase … it hasn't been on for 10 years. Or is this a classic episode? One of the greats. 'Say what you see.' I'll say what I see: you lot in here, taking the piss."

Barman (relenting) "I'll turn it over."

Man (not having it and walking away) "No, you stay where you are. I'll go somewhere where it's not a problem. It's places like this that give drinking a bad name."

I looked around me, and he was right.

Bass monkey...

...that's all, nothing to see here - move along.

Rail Replacement Bus Service

Rainy grey Sunday in Hastings - am confronted with the four most chilling words in the English language 'Rail Replacement Bus Service' - the only people on the streets in St Leonards are a horde of dog-faced kids pointing at buses

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 5th February

Ok, ok, it's a real curtain not a digital one, & nope, he's not a wizard AT ALL!
(we're definitely not in Kansas any more either - I'm sure they don't make masturbation references in illustrations there - no sirree!)
Read original article here

(Article by Michael Holden)
Two men in a pub – reassured no doubt by the physical nature of their conversation – were speaking loudly about the benefits of doing things in the real, as opposed to the digital, world.

Man 1 "What time are the band on?"

Man 2 "11.15 I think."

Man 1 "You think?"

Man 2 (wearily) "I asked the venue. They have a site and I sent an email saying, 'When are they on?' The woman emailed me back and said, 'Why are you asking – are you in the band?'"

Man 1 (half laughing) "Jesus!"

Man 2 "The band have a site as well – I emailed them – they didn't get back to me."

Man 1 "This is the problem with the internet: everybody's got a fucking site – but who are the idiots behind them? I mean, if you were running a real business and you heard someone not answering the phone – or delivering basic information – you could step in."

Man 2 "You do wonder how much of this is driving the recession – digital idiocy, dressed up as work."

Man 1 "True. It's incompetence veiled behind a virtual curtain."

Man 2 "You pull back the curtain – and there's nothing there. No one."

Man 1 "Not even the Wizard of Oz. Not even an old man who might apologise and give you something useful."

Man 2 "Not even. Pull back the curtain and there's just someone there wanking off – going, 'Why? Are you in the band?'"

Man 1 (excited) "The wanker of Oz!"

Man 2 (happy to have worked out a phrase that those around him would be hearing a lot more of) "Exactly."

scruffy rabbit men

Obvious 'criminal types' I feel...

Booze, science, & diagrams

Is this when they usually say 'now here's the science' in adverts?

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 29th January

I've still got the scars from my '80s teenage years (but have burned most of the photos!)

- wish I'd left the 'studioline' text off the illustration but I like to present it as printed - one of those cases of 'funny-at-the-time' (like mullets? Conceptual hey?)
Original article here
(Article by Michael Holden)
Walking down a side street I was suddenly overtaken by two young men making quickly toward the main road and kicking around a conversation of sufficient merit and volume that I found myself having to speed up in order to keep abreast of it.

Man 1 (pressing for an answer) "What do you call him, the guy with all the hair down the back?"

Man 2 "Gandhi?"

Man 1 (irked) "No – he's bald! The other one?"

Man 2 (getting the picture) "Him! He's out there – we don't even have a proper nickname for him. He's just 'him', innit?"

Man 1 "We said to him, you can't have hair like that!"

Man 2 "It's the proper mullet."

Man 1 "Nobody wants it!"

Man 2 "But he won't listen!"

Man 1 "He can't hear!"

Man 2 (making snipping motions) "I go up behind him and do the scissors thing – everyone laughs."

Man 1 "We said to him, 'What happened? Did your mum freeze you in the 80s?' Everyone laughs at him! Even the general manager's on to him about it, saying, 'I think it might be better if you didn't have that hair.' But he's all, 'No no no – it's my thing.'"

Man 2 (shaking his head in recognition of a lost cause) "And he's proper slim, innit?"

Man 1 (sad and angry – as though he had great plans for the man's hair that might never see the light of day) "It just doesn't suit – doesn't suit him!"

They laughed loudly though, as they reached the high street and jogged away into the crowd, who all looked much the same as them.

Cartoon Kid in The Times Monday 24th January

A little promotional piece in today's Times newspaper featuring characters from Cartoon Kid by Jeremy Strong published by Puffin - available in all good etc. etc.
(I would direct you to the article but Mr Murdoch's paywall may deter you...)

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 22nd January

(Article by Michael Holden)
Beyond the humidity, the other thing you can hope to get at the local steam baths is a climate of silence. Not always. Some people will talk, as though stranded on a boiling bus. This time it was a wiry young woman (Woman 1) and her larger friend (Woman 2). The contrast between them was considerable – they looked like a broken exclamation mark.

Woman 1 (nodding toward the gym, looking serious) "You have to go every day."

Woman 2 (downcast) "Yeah but there's work.

Woman 1 "What's your shifts?"

Woman 2 "Earlies."

Woman 1 "Change them 10 'til 6, wait for me for half an hour then we can park round here for free from seven."

Woman 2 "Ain't gonna happen."

Woman 1 "Unless you make it happen."

Woman 2 "I'm all right when I'm with you, I can't do it on my own."

Woman 1 "You cheat when you're with me, if I just look away you start loafing!"

Woman 1 (turning to the men in the room as though appealing to a jury) "She's the fittest person I know. Look at her. Ain't she hot?"

Man 1 "It's a sauna, we're all hot."

Man 2 "What sport do you play?"

Woman 1 "Nothing. I just come here."

Woman 2 "I wanna lose two stone by my birthday."

Woman 1 "You're dreaming."

Woman 2 (plaintive) "I don't drink tea any more."

Woman 1 "Don't worry about tea. It's the Ribena."

Man 1 (back for more) "I like to exhaust myself."

I took that as my cue to fade into the mist.

monsters & broken ukeleles

& the 'Chocolate Teapot Award' goes to...

male pattern baldness explained

& now for the science...

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 15th January

That Brian May (no relation) made his guitar out of a fireplace he did...etc.
As a real-life guitar hero(!) I find the whole concept of Guitar Hero rather puzzling, read on...
See the original article here
(Article by Michael Holden)
For a swift antidote to the optimistic platitudes of new year, there's nothing quite like hospital waiting rooms, where any rogue act of exuberance is swiftly countered by the collective frowning of the preoccupied majority. It was here that I saw a woman standing up in a room full of seated people, typing on her Blackberry and looking up occasionally to see if she had stopped acting like she shouldn't be there. An elderly woman and her adult son sat by my side.

Son (reading a text) "Guitar Hero, I wonder how he's getting on with it?"

Mother "You got him playing it?"

Son "Yeah, he's sent me a text saying he's gonna kick my arse."

Mother "Oh."

Son "Of all the versions I've bought – and I've bought five – there's no Jimi Hendrix on there."

Mother (diving deep into her own past) "Burt Weedon? Duane Eddy?"

Son "No. Stones, a lot of Bon Jovi. That's some frantic playing."

Mother (updating) "Brian May?"

Son "Yeah, Queen are there."

Mother (excited – relatively speaking) "Killer Queen?"

Son "Band On The Run – that's good to play."

Mother (eyeing the standing woman with disdain) "I dunno what she's playing at."

Son (holding thumb and forefinger together to indicate the woman's lack of long term illness) "I saw the size of her file – it was stick thin."

Mother "I've definitely gone deaf in this ear."

Son "I'll get you some shopping later."

Mother "Why don't she sit down?"

Son (most assuredly) "She will."

comic strips for Cartoon Kid

Some of the original strips I drew for Cartoon Kid by Jeremy Strong published by Puffin.
These were really fun to draw (I love a Police elephant!) & was nice to be given pretty much carte blanche on the design & layout

New children's book Cartoon Kid

Puffin have just published the first in the series of Cartoon Kid by Jeremy Strong which I done lots of pictures for. There's lots of elephants & superheroes in it so anyone who knows me will realise it's right up my street.
You can buy it (preferably) from your nice local book shop & support small local shops or else be a lazy arse & get it from t'internet

Headbutting horses...

Drawn from an overheard conversation in a pub while a group of middle class, middle aged men attempted to 'out-street' one another by recounting dubious tales of neo-football hooliganism from their pasts.

Dog coat

The view from my pub table - I'm always slightly peturbed by clothes on dogs*

(*see 'Things I Hate')

Penguin Dunces

Referring to previous post I can't help feeling Penguin books might have missed a trick with this line of titles for the 'less sophisticated reader'

(PS has anyone ever seen seen a real dunce's cap apart from in the Beano? Guess it's politically incorrect to humiliate the divvy kids now?)

The Guardian - Michael Holden's All Ears 8th January

Happy New year - after a couple of weeks of festivities I'm climbing back into my (slightly ill fitting) Freudian slip - possibly my favourite undergarment - couldn't resist the dunce penguin in the corner either...

(Article by Michael Holden)
I became surrounded on a bus by three ladies whose lunch had evidently escalated into something more sustained, causing them to abandon their cars for public transport.

Woman 1 (the most drunk) "Where does this bus go?"

Woman 2 (not drunk) "I'll tell you where to get off."

Woman 1 "When do you qualify as a psycho-whatever-it-is?"

Woman 2 "Psychotherapist. I've only just started. This is my first term."

Woman 3 (medium drunk) "Where are you doing it?"

Woman 2 " In town. The youngest person there is 21, it's quite daunting."

Woman 1 (slurring over the distinctions) "But what's the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist."

Woman 2 "A psychiatrist has more of a clinical background."

Woman 1 (delighted to have grasped that) "Right!"

Woman 2 "With therapy that's not always the case."

Woman 3 (not helping) "So at the end of the day, you'll be doing like, cognitive?"

Woman 2 "That might end up being part of it. Freud is the real distinction; he had been a medical doctor, so the psychiatrists …"

Woman 1 (interrupting) "So you can give out drugs, or is that the other lot?"

Woman 2 "Well, it's more psychiatry, the idea that the problem has a pathology to it. Therapy is different, to a degree in that …"

Woman 1 (not listening) "Well Edmund sees someone, and he's on drugs. And Peter sees someone, and he isn't on anything."

Woman 2 (bracing herself for a long journey, in every sense) "I see."